If only I had...
Had ik maar...
"If only I had"s or "if only"s can be very dominant, especially in the case of sudden death. Sometimes so much so that people get stuck in their grieving process and need expert guidance to be able to move on with their lives. This is not strange or weak, any more than it is strange or heartless when someone does pick up the thread again. After all, everyone processes a loss in their own way and at their own pace"