leven voelt zwaar ondanks therapie meisje kijkt uit raam auto

Beeld: Persoonlijk

Als alles bijna is opgeruimd, maar het leven nog steeds zwaar voelt

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Serie Blogger

Al een behoorlijke tijd kamp ik met mentale klachten. Tijdens mijn therapiesessies heb ik veel troep uit mijn verleden opgeruimd. Ik heb veel geleerd vooral om minder hard voor mezelf te zijn en mezelf lief te hebben. Hardnekkige patronen zijn doorbroken, inzichten zijn gegroeid, en toch…

Ondanks alles wat ik heb opgeruimd, kamp ik nog steeds met mentale klachten. Het leven voelt zwaar. Zwaarder dan ik had verwacht na alles wat ik al heb doorstaan. Ik slaap slechter dan ik al deed en mijn lichaam schrikt met de dag erger. Het gebeurt vaak, vooral als ik in bed lig of aan het rusten ben. Het put me uit. Ik heb er geen controle over; soms is het kort, soms duurt het lang.

Het maakte me angstig. Alles bij elkaar werd het te veel. Meerdere keren ben ik bij de huisarts geweest. De laatste keer kreeg ik eindelijk een doorverwijzing. Het leek op epilepsie, maar dat is het niet. Ik ben er gewoon bij bewust, aanwezig. Inmiddels ben ik bij de neuroloog geweest en is er een diagnose gesteld: functionele neurologische stoornis.

Die diagnose bevestigt dat mijn klachten echt zijn. Dat ze blijvend kunnen zijn. Het heeft nu een naam gekregen, en dat geeft ergens erkenning, maar het roept ook angst op. Want met die naam kwam ook de realiteit binnen.

Het maakt me bang. Kom ik hier ooit uit?

Lees ook

Het einde van het jaar: tijd voor inzicht

Komt er een moment waarop het leven weer licht voelt in plaats van zwaar?Ik probeer vast te houden aan wat ik geleerd heb: mild zijn voor mezelf, mezelf niet veroordelen, stap voor stap blijven gaan. Maar sommige dagen voelt die put diep en uitzichtloos. En misschien is dit ook gewoon een deel van het proces: durven erkennen dat heling niet altijd betekent dat alles verdwijnt, maar dat je leert leven met wat er is.

Voor nu is dit waar ik sta. En dat delen hoe kwetsbaar ook voelt als een kleine vorm van ademhalen.

Madita Mikkers

Serie Blogger

Moeder van S, geboren met 29+4 weken zwangerschap en G geboren met 40.4 weken. Lees hieronder: The story of my life; PCOS, miskramen, fertiliteit traject, zwangerschap, bevallingen en mijn verwerkingsproces van onverwerkte trauma’s.

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