Beeld: Swetlana Spreekt
Twee kinderen, twee werelden en waarom ik deze zondag niet ging…
Doe hier hetzelfde: Vorige week werd mijn zoon achtten jaar. Voor deze mijlpaal wilde ik iets bijzonders organiseren. Dus werd het een grote surpriseparty voor hem. Hij dacht dat alleen een deel van de familie zou komen maar uiteindelijk hebben we hem met de hele familie, zijn vrienden en zijn vriendin binnengehaald in een kamer vol slingers en confetti kanonnen.
Ik had er weken werk aan gehad. Plannen, regelen, verstoppen, afstemmen. Hij is best slim dus ik moest superscherp blijven om me niet te verspreken. Gelukkig was het gelukt en was hij helemaal verbaasd toen hij binnenkwam in een volle kamer.
Als cadeau gaf ik hem een fotoboek met daarin een selectie van ruim 200 foto’s van zijn eerste achttien jaren. Van een baby met altijd een grote glimlach tot een bijna-volwassen man. De tijd is omgevlogen. Achter in het boek schreef ik een een brief voor hem. In die brief liet ik hem los. Het opvoeden is gedaan, vanaf nu is het vooral support en advies geven en hopen dat hij nog een beetje naar zijn moeder wil luisteren.
Het uitzoeken van die foto’s deed meer met me dan ik had verwacht. Want terwijl ik door die jaren met zoveel foto’s scrolde, kwam ik niet alleen hém tegen. Ik kwam ook zijn zus tegen. Mijn dochter is al twintig en zwaar verstandelijk beperkt. Haar verstandelijke leeftijd is rond de 1,5 jaar. Toen zij tien jaar was, ging ze uit huis in een woongroep in een zorginstelling wonen. Op de foto’s zag ik hen samen, toen ze nog klein waren. Toen woorden nog niet zo belangrijk waren. Toen contact niet draaide om wat iemand kon of niet kon zeggen, maar om samen stoeien en samen lachen om niets.
Ze hadden het zo leuk samen.
Die foto’s raakten me. Misschien juist omdat ik wist wat er daarna kwam. Hoe onze levens zich opsplitsten. Hoe wij, zonder het zo te bedoelen, in twee werelden terechtkwamen.
Na het feest op zaterdag was ik moe. Niet alleen fysiek, maar ook emotioneel. Normaal ga ik op zondag naar mijn dochter toe. Dat kost mij altijd een hele dag want ze woont ver weg; anderhalf uur rijden heen, anderhalf uur terug. En deze keer voelde ik het extra sterk: ik had er even geen zin in.
Niet omdat ik haar niet mis of niet omdat ik niet van haar houd. Maar omdat het contrast te groot voelde. De ene dag vier je een 18e verjaardag, vol toekomst, plannen en mogelijkheden. De volgende dag stap je een wereld binnen die zo anders is. Waar de tijd stilstaat en vooruitgang een andere betekenis heeft.
Ik heb met mijn kinderen twee werelden. En dat schakelen… dat kost me meer dan ik soms wil toegeven.
Ik besloot die zondag niet te gaan.
En zelfs terwijl ik dit opschrijf, voel ik hoe beladen dat is. Want er rust een soort taboe op. Als je kind in een zorginstelling woont, dan hóór je te gaan. Dan moet je extra betrokken zijn. Extra aanwezig. Alsof liefde te meten is in bezoekuren en kilometers.
Deze keer was ik oké met mijn keuze. Ik bleef thuis en ik liet het even zijn. Moeder zijn van een kind dat thuis woont én een kind dat in een instelling woont, betekent voortdurend balanceren. Tussen missen en zorgen maar vooral ook voor jezelf zorgen.
PRAAT MEE MET ANDERE Mama’s in de community
Kom in contact met (aanstaande) ouders, word lid van een geboorteclub en blijf op de hoogte van de ontwikkeling van je kind.
Swetlana Spreekt
Serie Blogger
Ik ben moeder van twee kinderen, een meisje en jongen. Mijn dochter kreeg op tweejarige leeftijd ineens een lawine van epileptische aanvallen en raakte ernstig verstandelijke beperkt. Ik vertel over de jaren dat ik mezelf verloor in de zware zorg, maar ook hoe ik daar nu een betere balans in heb gevonden. Ik ontdekte hoe belangrijk het is om als moeder ook goed voor jezelf te zorgen.
Ik ben spreker en coach op het gebied van zelfzorg en auteur van mijn eerste boek waar ik vertel over mijn zoektocht naar mezelf in het moederschap.
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