Beeld: Persoonlijk
naimely mambre: “Het kind dat mijn ziel nodig had”
“Ik zag deze quote: “The child you have, is exactly who your soul called for.”
En hij bleef in mijn hoofd spoken.
Want vaak genoeg kijken Lars en ik elkaar aan en denken we: hoe kan het dat wij een zacht kind hebben, terwijl wij beide best harde mensen zijn?
Wat zijn harde mensen? Hoor ik je denken.
Niet huilen, maar doen. Opstaan. Schouders eronder. Klaar. Emotie? Prima. Maar wel functioneel graag.
Dat is hoe wij in elkaar zitten. En eerlijk? Dat heeft ons ook veel gebracht. Doorzettingsvermogen. Discipline. Een dikke huid. Niet bij elk zuchtje tegenwind omvallen.
Tot de jongste kwam.
Een kind dat voelt. Alles. Een blik. Een stemverandering van 0,2 seconde. Een sfeer die net een millimeter verschuift.
Niet alleen daarin, maar ook in zijn manier van doen. Er wordt wel eens gegrapt of de navelstreng ooit is afgeknipt. Feitelijk? Ja, tuurlijk. Maar het liefst zit Jea als een kleine kangoeroe in mijn buidel.
Waar ik Jea blij mee maak zijn toch wel de zinnen: “Zullen we straks op de bank even knuffelen?” of “Wil je nog even langer samen op bed liggen?” Het antwoord is altijd JA. En met dat antwoord kruipt hij nog een beetje dichter in me. Ja, niet bij me, maar in me.
Loop ik naar een andere kamer, hoor ik voetstappen achter me aan.
“Jea, mama gaat alleen even opruimen.” “Ja, dat weet ik. Ik wil hier graag spelen.”
En dat is dus precies wie hij is. Niet omdat hij niet zonder mij kan.
Maar omdat hij dichtbij wil zijn. Omdat verbinding voor hem geen bijzaak is, maar basis.
En ergens raakt dat iets in mij.
Want waar ik heb geleerd om zelfstandig te zijn, om sterk te zijn, om het zelf wel op te lossen… laat hij zien dat dichtbij blijven óók kracht is.
En daar stond ik dan. Met mijn stevige muur.
Of nou ja… wat daarvan over was. Misschien liggen er nog een paar stenen. Maar daar is ook alles mee gezegd.
Waar ik vroeger dacht: “Niet huilen. Kom, we gaan door.”
Zak ik nu door mijn knieën. Oog in oog met mijn kleuter.
“Wil je een knuffel? Ik zie dat je verdrietig bent.” “Kan ik iets voor je doen?”
En geloof me, soms hoor ik een stemmetje in mijn hoofd: waar begin je aan? We staan midden in de supermarkt en ik denk alleen maar: alsjeblieft niet nu. Maar helpt het om er keihard tegenin te gaan? Bij mij in ieder geval niet.
Want als ik eerlijk ben, doen wij volwassenen precies hetzelfde. Je dag kan perfect lopen. Echt perfect. En dan gebeurt er één mini dingetje. En bam. Tranen. Niet om dat mini dingetje. Maar omdat het de laatste druppel was die je emmer deed overlopen.
Waarom zou dat bij een kind anders zijn?
Dus misschien is de vraag niet: waarom krijgen harde ouders zachte kinderen?
Misschien is de vraag: wat komt een zacht kind ons leren?
Is het om ons de andere kant te laten zien?Is het om ons geduld bij te brengen? Is het om een deel van onszelf te healen waar we ooit leerden: niet huilen, maar doorgaan?
Misschien is hij niet ondanks ons zacht. Misschien is hij zacht zodat wij leren voelen. En misschien… is hij precies wie onze ziel nodig had. 💛”
PRAAT MEE MET ANDERE Mama’s in de community
Kom in contact met (aanstaande) ouders, word lid van een geboorteclub en blijf op de hoogte van de ontwikkeling van je kind.
Alicia raakte zwanger terwijl ze eigenlijk niet meer wilde leven
Suus (33) over haar zoektocht naar co-ouderschap en haar kinderwens
Jaleesa belandde na haar bevalling in het ziekenhuis: “Het bloeden stopte niet”
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