Ik mag mijn kind niet troosten...

Het kan van alles zijn, laat je kind testen, des te eerder heb je zekerheid. Kinderen met adhd hebben dit soms ook en mijn 2e heeft op het speciaal bijzonder onderwijs ondanks haar autisme heel langzaam ontdekt dat knuffelen niet eng is. Ze is nu een enorme knuffelkont, maar moet wel zelf beginnen. Na school vraag ik altijd of ze het leuk gehad heeft en als ze zegt nee, dan vraag ik of een knuffel kan helpen. Soms niet, dan gaat ze naar naar kamer en gaat alles uitleggen aan haar lievelingsknuffel. Als die het niet zo somber inziet, komt ze weer beneden en vraagt of ik nog een knuffel wil. Ik zeg dan dat ik een dubbeldikke wil. Die krijg ik dan ook. Wat ik alleen nog steeds niet snap is wat een konijn van pluche en stof kan zeggen, maar ik doe er mijn voordeel mee.

Heel herkenbaar mijn jongste word vreselijk boos als ik maar ook iemand andere hem probeert te troosten. Doet ie dit alleen bij jou of ook bij andere? Wat ik meestal doe is wel naar hem toegaan en naast hem gaan zitten en troosten. Gelukkig merk ik dat ie steeds vaker dan toch ook wel even vast gepakt wil worden ( behalve s’nachts dan word ie woest als ik dat doe) Dus ja.. is waarschijnlijk weer een fase ( duurt hier wel heel lang) maar ook een beetje zijn temperament.

Dearest mama, I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s one of the hardest thing a mama has to go through and it’s never something we’ve had expected which makes it even harder, I guess. I’ve been in your shoes and it has been one of the darkest and lonliest periods of my life. Once my son turned 9 months old, he started to show a preference for his daddy. All he wanted was daddy, all he needed was daddy. Whenever I got close to him, picked him up or even be around him, he would start to cry, get very upset with me and push me away. He clearly didn’t want me around him. The rejection I felt from him had broken my heart in a way I never knew a heart could be broken. Everytime my son would choose his dad over me, I would be left heartbroken and hide away to be able to cry it out so he wouldn’t see me. If he would be hurt or upset, he would choose to sit on the floor away from me and cry until he would be ok again. But he wouldn’t let me even get near him. I couldn’t understand why my baby wa rejecting me, his own mama. I guess I always had this image in my head thinking that mama and baby are unseparable and that baby would always feel safe and good in his mama’s arms. It wasn’t happening to me. My baby wasn’t the way the other babies were. While other babies would run and hug their moms, mine would run the other way to get away from me. It took me a good while to glue myself together and get passed the heartache but I knew I needed to research this and see how I could deal with it before I would lose my mind. I read so many books and blogs and I finally realised that at one point, baby developes a preference towards one of the parents and will completely reject the other one. To my dispair it was me he was rejecting, while still being happy he could bond so good with daddy. I understood why because daddy was always fun and games while I would be all worries and full of to do lists and always in a hurry to get everything done that I had forgotten to have fun, together with him. Liam is not a cuddly type of baby. He dislikes being hugged, picked up, unless he wants to. He is very independent, he likes to explore and discover new things. After understanding this, I let him be his own person, explore and discover while still being in the room, close enough for him to know that mama is here is he needed me. I loved him, even more when he rejected me. I showed him I loved him, even when he pushed me away. I told him “mama loves you baby” as he kicked and screamed to go back to daddy. It was that more difficult when my husband was at work and Liam would cry to see daddy because I wasn’t the one he wanted/needed. And as much as that broke my heart, I loved him even more. I used to tell him I understood he was upset and that I was there in case he needed a hug. Surely he wouldn’t understand a word I was saying but he could understand the tone. I didn’t force a hug or a kiss from him anymore. I let him choose whenever he wanted a hug or to be held. I didn’t force anything anymore and I let him be the free independent baby he wanted to be. I started finding other ways to bond with him. I would sit on the floor with him and play with his toys until he would get enough interest to come join me. We would play hide and seek and that became our favorite game because that’s when he shows me affection. He locks eyes with me and then he gives me this biggest most beautiful smile i have ever seen. Then I know that my baby loves me back. I spent many a nights crying myself to sleep thinking I am a bad mother, thinking my baby hates me and that I was a complete failure. I wasn’t but in my own insanity, I really used to believe that. Liam is now 14 months old and he has become such a cuddly baby. He is still not the biggest hug fan but whenever he is tired, he will ask me to pick him up and hold him while he rests his head on my chest. It must have been months since that last happened. He will come bring me a hug or a kiss every now and then but mostly he is a big explorer of new games and invents one every single day. It is just a phase and it will pass. I know it isnt very helpful to say it, but I promise you, it will pass. Hang on to these words, as I have when someone else said them to me. They kept me sane. I hope my experience will help you find your peace for now. I gave my baby what he needed at that time, even if it wasn’t what I wanted. It was one of the hardest moments of my life and I am happy it’s behind us. Please feel free to contact me whenever you feel down about it. It’s not easy and by talking to someone who completely understands, could help a great deal! I didn’t have that. I suffered in silence because no one understood what I was going through. (I am maddieisamommy on instagram) Big hug to you, mama! ?

mijn die jarige is net zo, papa alles en ik doe altijd verkeerd en pijn, ook al ben ik er niet, denk een fase. ze komt wel bij mij knuffelen en steeds meer kusjes geven. Ze is slim, als ze niet lekker voelt, geeft ze aan geen pilletje in mijn billen...