How to deal with anxiety?

I never considered myself to have anxiety. 

I didn't feel the things I associated with having anxiety. I didn't feel this crippling fear, or this endless and constant feeling of stress.

Or so I thought.

A while ago I came across an article about anxiety and it taught me about the many ways anxiety can express itself. One of them being aggression. This inexplicable feeling of rage towards everything and everyone. To just explode at nothing really, the slightest bit of stress that just sends you over the edge. And you. Just. Snap.

And that's me. 

I snap. Often and frequently. And it hurts. Not just me, but those around me and most of all, it hurts my babies. And I'm feeling every bit of guilt. Every bit of shame writing this, because I am that mom. The mom who snaps at her babies. Who screams at them when she gets overwhelmed, when they don't listen, when something goes wrong. And it hurts.

It hurts, because I know its not fair. It hurts because it's not my 3yo's fault when he knocks over his drink, again. It's not my baby's fault when he's been put to bed and won't go to sleep, because his signals were misread and he wasn't actually tired yet.

And neither is it mine. Yet everyone hurts.

My babies don't deserve this behaviour. They don't deserve a mom who screams, yells and at times even has to gather every bit of self constraint not to physically hurt my kids. (I don't for the record, don't call childservices on me) 

I always wanted to be a mom. But now that I am one, I don't feel like I deserve my babies. This overwhelming feeling of anger hurts my relationship with them. Sure, they love me and they forgive each and every outburst. And I love them, but it's not fair. And it's exhausting.

I want to be that fun mom. That when my kids look back at their childhoods they remember nothing but love. Not this mom who couldn't keep it together and kept hurting everyone.

Do you have anxiety? And most of all, how do you cope with it?