Beeld: Mae Rutten
Sophie verloor de helft van haar tweeling: “Ik heb echt gedacht: ik wil niet meer”
“Wanneer ik pepernoten in de schappen zie liggen, begint het al,” zegt Sophie. “Dan weet ik dat de sterfdag en de verjaardag weer dichterbij komen”
Aan het einde van haar tweelingszwangerschap verloor Sophie één van haar twee baby’s. Terwijl ze afscheid moest nemen van haar zoontje Harvey, werd ze tegelijk voor het eerst moeder van haar dochter Luna. Overleven was het enige wat lukte. Nu vertelt ze hoe het voelt om afscheid en begin tegelijk mee te maken.
Een kinderwens
“Mijn kinderwens is er eigenlijk altijd geweest,” vertelt Sophie. “Mijn ouders komen uit een groot gezin, met veel broers en zussen. Dat beeld heb ik altijd gekoesterd.” Zwanger worden ging alleen niet vanzelf. Ze belandde in een medisch traject vol hormonen, ziekenhuisafspraken en een heleboel wachten. “Na verloop van tijd ga je twijfelen. Aan je lichaam, aan jezelf. Je stapt na een ziekenhuisbezoek weer in de auto richting werk, droogt voor kantoor je tranen en zet een glimlach op, terwijl je vanbinnen kapot bent.”
Toen het uiteindelijk lukte, durfde ze het eerst nauwelijks te geloven. En de echo die volgde, maakte alles nog bijzonderder. “Ik wist niet eens wat ik zag. Pas toen de artsen het zeiden, viel het kwartje: het waren er twee. Een tweeling. We waren door het dolle heen. Geen paniek, alleen maar geluk.”
“Het voelde alsof ik in een slechte droom zat. Ik zei alleen maar: en zij dan? Zij moet eruit”
Sophie
De avond waarop alles veranderde
Met 36,5 weken voelde Sophie zich zwaar en opgezet. Haar toenmalige partner vertrouwde het niet. “Hij zag dat mijn been zo dik was dat je er een afdruk in kon drukken. Ik wuifde het weg, dacht: dit hoort erbij. Hij zei: laten we toch even laten kijken.” In het ziekenhuis werd een echo gemaakt. Sophie maakte nog grapjes. “Ik dacht echt dat we zo weer buiten zouden staan.”
Tot het stil werd. “Dat moment… dat is het meest traumatische van alles. De echoscopist werd stiller en haalde er iemand anders bij. En toen zeiden ze: het hartje klopt niet meer. Ik zag een zwarte vlek op het scherm. Mijn eerste gedachte was: huh? Dit kan niet.” De sfeer in de kamer sloeg volledig om. “Het voelde alsof ik in een slechte droom zat. Ik zei alleen maar: en zij dan? Zij moet eruit. Dat was het enige waar ik me aan vast kon houden. Ik bleef het maar herhalen: ze moet eruit, ze moet eruit.” Er kwam groen licht voor een spoedkeizersnede. “Ik rolde de OK in en keek naar die vierkante plafondplaten. Het voelde alsof ik in een aflevering van Grey’s Anatomy zat.”
Haar zoontje Harvey werd als eerste gehaald. Daarna kwam Luna. “Toen ik hoorde dat alles goed ging met haar, dacht ik: Oké, zij is oké. Laat mij dan maar gaan. Als ik het niet red, dan is zij er. Ik kreeg het ijskoud. Ik hoorde iemand zeggen: ze is in shock.”
Het afscheid
De dagen erna voelden als een dikke mist. “Ik heb een week in het ziekenhuis gelegen. In diezelfde weken moest ik nadenken over een crematie. Hoe kies je muziek voor een overleden baby? Hoe zoek je een kistje uit voor een kind waar je nooit herinneringen mee hebt kunnen maken?”
In het ziekenhuis voelde Sophie vooral boosheid. “Boos op de wereld. Ik keek vanuit mijn ziekenhuisbed door het raam naar beneden. Ik zag mensen lopen. Ik dacht: jullie gaan gewoon door. Jullie zijn gelukkig. En mijn wereld staat stil. Ik heb een hekel aan ‘geef het een plekje’. Dit krijgt nooit een plekje. Je moet er mee leren leven. Mijn dochter groeit op. Zij gaat voor het eerst naar school. En hij is er niet.”
“Om zeven uur ’s avonds gaan we allemaal naar buiten om Harvey te herdenken met kaarsjes. Hij hoort bij ons”
Sophie
PTSS
Na de bevalling kreeg Sophie PTSS. “Mijn gedachten werden steeds donkerder, tot het echt niet meer ging. Had ik iets kunnen voelen, iets kunnen voorkomen? Die vragen bleven maar rondgaan.” In april begon ze met EMDR-therapie en kreeg ze de diagnose PTSS. Dat gaf rust. “Het had een naam. Ik herkende mezelf in alles wat ik las en dacht: hier kan ik iets mee.”
Na elke sessie was ze volledig uitgeput. “Je bent kapot. Je lichaam moet verwerken wat je al die tijd hebt vastgehouden. Ik leefde in een soort mist. Maar na een aantal sessies merkte ik dat deze langzaam begon op te trekken. Niet ineens, maar stap voor stap voelde ik me weer iets meer aanwezig. Het heeft me gered. Het trauma is niet weg, maar wel draagbaar. En dat is alles.”
“Achter elke vrouw zit een verhaal. Elke vrouw heeft iets meegemaakt dat haar gevormd heeft. Ik móét hier iets mee doen”
Sophie
Leven met het verlies
“Ik kan nooit zeggen: ik ben er honderd procent overheen. Dat gebeurt ook nooit. Maar ik ben oké.” En met Luna gaat het heel goed. “Ze lijkt op mij. Als ik haar zie, voel ik trots en blijdschap.” Met Luna is ze open over haar verhaal. “Ze is een tweeling. Dat hoort bij haar. Elk jaar op de tweede zondag van december is het wereldlichtjesdag en vieren we met vrienden en familie de jaardag van Harvey en verjaardag van Luna. Om zeven uur ’s avonds gaan we allemaal naar buiten om Harvey te herdenken met kaarsjes. Nu ze zes is, steekt ze zelf een kaarsje aan voor haar broertje. In hoeverre ze begrijpt wat dat betekent, weet ik niet. Maar hij hoort bij ons. We praten over hem. Hij bestaat.”
Dat is ook de reden dat Sophie haar verhaal deelt. Ze doet mee aan Miss Nederland. Iets wat soms nog snel als oppervlakkig wordt gezien, maar dat beeld mogen we inmiddels wel loslaten. “Achter elke vrouw zit een verhaal. Elke vrouw heeft iets meegemaakt dat haar gevormd heeft. Ik móét hier iets mee doen. Omdat ik weet dat er andere vrouwen zijn die zich net zo eenzaam voelen als ik me heb gevoeld.”
Zelf had ze veel aan verhalen van andere moeders. “Het idee dat alles goed gaat, is de uitzondering. Niet de regel.” Ze wil vrouwen niet bang maken, maar wel eerlijker zijn. “Een bevalling is zwaar. En soms is het gewoon rot. Dat mag gezegd worden. We moeten een community worden waarin je eerlijk kunt zijn. Waar je mag zeggen dat je je soms een slechte moeder voelt. Want je bent niet alleen. We hebben dit allemaal gevoeld.” Ze is trots op zichzelf. “Ik heb gedaan wat ik kon, in die tijd. Het is me overkomen. En ik ben het gevecht aangegaan.”
“Ik dacht dat ik zwak was”: Joyce werd niet geloofd tijdens haar HG-zwangerschappen
PRAAT MEE MET ANDERE Mama’s in de community
Kom in contact met (aanstaande) ouders, word lid van een geboorteclub en blijf op de hoogte van de ontwikkeling van je kind.
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@ Sophie: Heel herkenbaar 🫶🏻 Het is erg moeilijk ook omdat je; en een kindje verliest, en een kindje krijgt… Verdriet en blijdschap samen is lastig. Veel sterkte gewenst! Praten is altijd goed. Beter dan alles in jezelf houden. Ik heb hier ook een tiener die meedoet overigens aan MN. Dikke knuffels voor je hele gezin!
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