Beeld: Persoonlijk
ashleymkl_mama.in.herstel: “Schiet me maar lek! Ik snap het niet meer…”
“Oké, ik ben dus verhalen gaan schrijven naar aanleiding van de hormonale/prenatale depressie die ik kreeg tijdens de zwangerschap van Lucien. Vanaf moment 1 werd er een vrij duidelijk pad uitgestippeld en dat is dan ook het pad waar ik naar toe werkte. Ja, hier en daar is het natuurlijk aangepast, want tekstboek-protocollen werken zelden precies op echt elk individu. Want dat zijn we, individuen. We zijn allemaal anders en werken dus ook anders. Ook de problemen kunnen veroorzaakt worden door verschillende oorzaken en naja, denk wel dat je me snapt. 😉
Echter, waar ik al die tijd zo positief ben geweest over hoe alles behandeld werd, is dit als een blad omgedraaid bij mij en ik schrijf dit dus ook uit een soort van frustratie, maar des te meer ook als informatief. Gewoon om te laten zien dat niet altijd alles geaccepteerd hoeft te worden zoals het voorgeschoteld word en dat je je niet perse hoeft neer te leggen bij bepaalde beslissingen.
Ik probeer een logisch verhaal te schrijven, maar dit gaat wel over een span van anderhalf jaar. Mocht je dus vragen hebben, stel ze gerust.
Toen de depressie werd geconcludeerd, werd mij de zware boodschap meegegeven dat ik maar een fractie van opname zat. Bijzonder, achteraf gezien. Ik was niet suïcidaal of dergelijke. Enige wat ik dacht was dat mijn partner en kinderen gelukkiger zouden kunnen zijn als ik niet meer aanwezig was in het huishouden. Klinkt alsnog wel zwaar, dat besef ik me heel goed. Ik bedoelde het echter onschuldig als in, ik zou vertrekken uit het gezin. Ik vond mij geen goede moeder en de onrust die ik veroorzaakte in het gezin maakte niet dat een van ons ook maar enigszins gelukkig. Dus, wat nou als de onrustige factor uit die dynamiek zou verdwijnen? Dat was de insteek en ik zag er toen weinig zwaars in. Ik had het met de beste bedoelingen bedacht. Naja, achteraf gezien snap ik wel dat er alarmbellen af gingen, maar opname?
En ineens bleek het geen vaststaand protocol te zijn…
Toen dus de antidepressiva… Ik zou starten met 25mg Sertraline, een “lage” dosering i.v.m. de zwangerschap en in combi met het monitoren van mijn gedrag en die van de vrucht, zouden ze het opschroeven tot uiteindelijk 100mg en van daaruit verder kijken. In 1 van mijn andere verhalen schrijf ik ook hoeveel moeite ik hiermee had i.v.m. dat bij de geboorte de kleine dus serieuze afkickverschijnselen zou kunnen vertonen. Toch akkoord gegaan en gestart. Vanaf daar komen er verschillende momenten waarop wij ernstig achter ons oren hebben moeten krabben en ik zal jullie vertellen waarom…
Alles was goed doorgesproken en ik startte met de medicatie. We hielden goed in de gaten welke wenningsverschijnselen ik had en hoe deze zich manifesteerde. Het idee was dat ik daar zo een 3 weken last van zou hebben. Echter (en gelukkig, want het is best ingrijpend) duurde dit maar een week. Voor hun was dat een indicatie om te willen ophogen, maar wij wilde onderbouwing waarom dat zo snel moest. Ze gaven aan dat ze dachten dat als het zo snel ging, het effect niet afdoende was. Hierin zullen de meeste mensen dan ook mee in gaan en laat ik nadrukkelijk zeggen, in veel gevallen is dit ook noodzakelijk. Hou echter wel een slag om de arm en kijk echt nauwkeurig naar jezelf en vraag ook goed door naar details. Dit deden wij ook en ineens bleek het geen vaststaand protocol te zijn. Wij gaven aan ons niet comfortabel te voelen bij de beslissing en in samenspraak besloten we dus het aan te kijken en zodra we ook maar enigszins een vermoeden hadden dat het effect inderdaad niet is zoals wenselijk, zouden we aan de bel trekken.
Met wat weerstand ging de POP-poli akkoord, maar daar was het niet klaar mee. Ze wilde namelijk dus de medicatie ophogen en pas na de bevalling starten met een psychologische behandeling. Alles wat uit gesprekken zouden komen zou stress op kunnen leveren en dat zou de vrucht geen goed doen. Weer een zeer acceptabel argument, was het niet dat ze me dus hogere medicatie wilde geven i.p.v. gesprekken te voeren, medicatie welke onduidelijke gevolgen hebben voor de vrucht én sowieso voor afkickverschijnselen zorgen bij geboorte. Dit kwam dus weer alleen naar buiten na doorvragen. Oké, low key gesprekken starten wilde ze uiteindelijk accepteren. Ik accepteerde namelijk niet dat ik nog maanden op m’n gat moest blijven zitten en niks kon doen. Ik wilde aan de gang, werken aan mezelf en me zoveel mogelijk oprapen voordat de laatste toevoeging in ons gezin ter wereld zou komen.
Er werd gestart met gesprekken en dat ging super! Het voelde als een verlichting dat ik toch aan de gang kon en er werden diverse dingen al besproken en dus ook verwerkt. De start was gemaakt en ik ging zienderogen vooruit. Ik kon niet wachten om na de bevalling dan ook verder te gaan en dieper te gaan duiken. Ja, dat zou zwaar worden, maar het leverde me al zoveel op. Dit kon dan toch alleen maar beter worden?
Nee, want ineens werd er bedacht dat na de zwangerschap niet gestart kon worden. Ik was niet stabiel in mijn hormonale huishouding, net bevallen (joh, dat was ik met het begin van dit traject al, want ik was nog geen 2 maanden na de bevalling van Kai al zwanger van Lucien, dus theoretisch verre van ontzwangerd tijdens de start van het hele gebeuren eigenlijk, maar dat detail waren ze even vergeten… Wij echter niet, hihi) Na veel aandringen werd er een plan gemaakt. Na 3 maanden zou ik gesprekken mogen gaan voeren en van uit daar werd dan ook bekeken welke andere behandelmethode toegepast zouden worden. Wel moesten we ons weer verantwoorden over het niet willen ophogen van de medicatie, maar aangezien ik alleen maar stappen vooruit maakte, ondanks diverse strubbelingen, bleven wij bij ons standpunt dat het (nog) niet nodig was.
De gesprekken gingen van start en dat liep op zich oké. Niet dat ik stond te springen voor die gesprekken, logisch… Maar het was wel nodig ten slotte. Ergens moesten er pijnpunten zijn die konden zorgen voor de opbouw tot het punt dat mijn mentale gestel het niet meer zelf aan kon en de depressie kon ontstaan. Het graven er naar was alleen niet echt graven. Het voelde eerder alsof ik in een zandbakje met mijn schepje en emmertje aan het spelen was en zeer effectief was het dus niet. Maar oké, ik geef het de tijd, wie weet wat nog komen gaat.
Dikke prima dacht ik! We gaan richting het einde! insert denkbeeldige ik die blaast op een feesttoeter🎉
Daar was het dan! Een tussentijds gesprek! En wat bleek? Na mijn intake moest er nog een onderzoek/vragenlijst ingevuld worden, welke dus mijn vooruitgang enigszins in kaart kon brengen. Deze was dus alleen bij intake gedaan en daarna niet meer. De conclusie was dus dat ik niet vooruit was gegaan, maar dat kon niet kloppen natuurlijk. Na aandringen werd er verder gekeken en ontdekte ze die fout (wat dus simpelweg eigenlijk alleen een datum checken was, want de datum was dus van de intake en er was niks recents te vinden). Loos gesprek dus eigenlijk ook, want ik kreeg geen groen licht om af te bouwen met de medicatie. Prima, en nu? Nieuw plan… Ik zou alsnog dat onderzoek kunnen doen én er werd verlangt van me dat ik mee zou doen aan groepstherapie ten behoeve van mijn zelfbeeld. Op dat moment kon je me echt wel wegdragen, want die zag ik niet aankomen. Ik? In groepstherapie? Dus met andere? Vanwege mijn zelfbeeld? Dat zelfbeeld wat aanzienlijk sterker was geworden? En ik zou dus andermans verhalen verplicht aan moeten horen met alle emotionele lading er achter? Dit meedragende dus naar huis? Naar mijn gezin? Want andermans verhalen gaan zeker wel effect hebben op je eigen gemoedstoestand. Was dit een serieus plan?
Helaassssss, dit was zelfs een vereiste en wanneer het zou starten was onduidelijk. Er moesten eerst voldoende aanmeldingen zijn en dan zou ik een oproep er voor krijgen. Prima, ik zet me er over heen en ga het proberen. Wie weet kom ik zelfs nog wel in contact met iemand op vriendschappelijke wijze. Je weet maar nooit wat zoiets kan brengen ten slotte…. En zo wachtte ik netjes af. Ik ging door met mijn gesprekken, de resultaten van het onderzoek werden uitgebreid besproken (wat de eerste keer ook niet gebeurd is) en er was een significante shift te merken in die resultaten, waardoor ook zeer duidelijk mijn vooruitgang te zien was. Blij en gemotiveerd gingen we door… En door… En door… Maar helaas, nog steeds geen nieuws over de start van een nieuwe groepscursus. Ondertussen werd ik ongeduldig, inmiddels zat ik al veel langer aan de medicatie dan me eerst was voorgespiegeld. Uiteindelijk kwam het ter sprake en verrassend genoeg was er zelfs een nieuwe groep gestart!
Huh?! Waarom zat ik niet in die groep? Ik voelde me best pissed op dat moment, dat er zo laconiek mee om werd gegaan. Iets wat een zogenaamde vereiste was. Dus kom maar op met de verklaring? Ze zou er achteraan gaan, want na wat spitten bleek er maar 1 samenkomst te zijn geweest en ik zou dus nog prima kunnen aansluiten. Ook kwam er een nieuw tussentijds vooruitgangsgesprek, dus dan zou alles besproken kunnen worden. Dikke prima dacht ik! We gaan richting het einde! insert denkbeeldige ik die blaast op een feesttoeter🎉
Wel vond de “Supervisor” mij nog te wild en ik was dus nog niet klaar vond ze
Ondanks dat ik geen bericht had gehad voor wanneer ik naar de groepssessies moest, ging ik alsnog gemotiveerd naar het tussentijdse gesprek. Die motivatie had ik beter thuis kunnen bewaren, want daar kwam dus ineens de uitspraak die ik niet wilde… Ik kon niet aansluiten en zou moeten wachten tot de start van de volgende cursus! Mind you, dit was dus nog vorig jaar december en een nieuwe groep zou pas starten (want ineens wisten ze wel een tijdsindicatie tevoorschijn te toveren) medio maart/april… Ik zou dus nog maanden moeten wachten, met als klap op de vuurpijl deze opmerking “Hmm, ik zie hier dat je ook niet aangemeld stond voor deze groep”. Kort door de bocht gezegd, ze waren me vergeten aan te melden voor iets wat voor hun een vereiste was. Daar zou iedereens broek van afzakken toch?
Zo goed als ik me voelde, zo slecht ik me daarna voelde. Maar strijdlustig als ik was, kon ik me herpakken en gaf aan dat ik wilde weten wat nu het vervolg zou zijn. “Jullie zijn het toch wel met me eens als ik zeg dat zoveel maanden wachten hierop niet echt productief is toch?” Gelukkig hoefde ik daar niet om te strijden en er werd bedacht dat het wellicht toch niet zo heel noodzakelijk meer was, gezien de vooruitgang die ik had geboekt. Wel vond de “Supervisor” mij nog te wild en ik was dus nog niet klaar vond ze. Ze bedachten dat ik in gesprek moest gaan met iemand anders, om te kijken of er nog wat te doen was aan emotie-regulatie en ik nam dat dankbaar aan.
Vol goede moed startte ik met de gesprekken, alleen liepen we snel weer tegen het punt ik geen tekstboek-voorbeeld was en we moesten dus kijken hoe we een behandelplan konden opzetten die passende was bij mij. Bij gesprek 3 gaven we er een klap op, we hadden een heel mooi iets bedacht en ik had er zin in om aan de gang te gaan. Tot gesprek 4….
Gesprek 4 heeft me zo een schop gegeven, dat ik nog steeds niet snap waarom dit allemaal zo is gelopen. Heeft me zo een schop gegeven dat mijn lieve partner meteen liet steigeren en waardoor we ook direct een nieuw gesprek hebben aangevraagd met mijn huidige behandelaar, maar ook de vorige. Want…. Jaja…. Ze wisten niet meer wat ze met me moesten doen en ze vonden het tijd af te sluiten. Met ze bedoel ik dus de vorige behandelaar de “supervisor” . Kortom veel details die we dus nog gaan navragen.
Op verbazende wijze zou ik dus volledig genezen zijn ineens en mogen afbouwen, terwijl ik eigenlijk verplicht naar een groepscursus moest, waar ze zelf me vergeten waren voor aan te melden én zou ik dus na 3 gesprekken (welke ik dus met iemand anders heb gevoerd dan hunzelf) niet meer “te wild” zijn? Terwijl dat traject eigenlijk nog moest starten… Ja, schiet me maar lek hoor. Snap er niks van en ik was dan ook serieus aangeslagen. De 20ste hebben we een gezamenlijk gesprek weer en ook neem ik mijn partner mee, want ik vermoed dat dit een gesprek word welke ik niet alleen kan voeren…
I will keep you all posted! 💋”
PRAAT MEE MET ANDERE Mama’s in de community
Kom in contact met (aanstaande) ouders, word lid van een geboorteclub en blijf op de hoogte van de ontwikkeling van je kind.
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