Beeld: Renee van der Heide
“Maar jij bent toch weg bij hem?”– Waarom loskomen van narcisme als moeder nooit écht klaar is
Als coach voor vrouwen die te maken hebben (gehad) met narcisme hoor ik deze zin vaak:
Maar jij bent tocht weg bij hem?
En elke keer voel ik dezelfde spanning. Want ja, deze vrouwen zijn eruit. Ze hebben de relatie beëindigd. Ze hebben grenzen getrokken. Ze hebben gekozen voor zichzelf. Soms na jaren, soms na een ingrijpend moment waarop doorgaan simpelweg niet meer kon.
Maar hun kind niet.
En dat maakt dat loskomen van een narcistische relatie zelden zo afgerond is als de buitenwereld denkt.
Wat ik zie bij vrouwen die ‘eruit’ zijn
Veel vrouwen komen bij mij met het idee dat ze iets fout doen, omdat ze zich nog steeds onrustig voelen. Alsof ze na de breuk eigenlijk opgelucht en vrij hadden móéten zijn.
Maar wat ik zie, is iets anders.
Ik zie vrouwen die alert blijven. Die gespannen zijn rond overdrachtsmomenten. Die slecht slapen als hun kind bij de andere ouder is. Die zich schuldig voelen omdat ze het niet los kunnen laten.
Niet omdat ze vastzitten aan hun ex, maar omdat hun zorgsysteem nog steeds actief is. En dat is logisch. Je kunt jezelf uit een onveilige dynamiek halen, maar je kunt je kind daar niet zomaar uit losmaken.
Zolang je kind nog heen en weer gaat, blijft je zenuwstelsel waakzaam. Dat is geen zwakte. Dat is moederinstinct.
De strijd tussen hoofd en hart
Vrouwen beschrijven mij vaak dezelfde innerlijke strijd:
- Zie ik dit scherp, of ben ik overgevoelig geworden?
- Moet ik ingrijpen of juist ruimte laten?
- Wat als ik het verkeerd aanpak en mijn kind het later tegen me gebruikt?
Daarbovenop komt vaak het juridische kader. Regelingen waarin ‘beide ouders’ gelijkwaardig worden behandeld, terwijl de dynamiek allesbehalve gelijkwaardig is. Manipulatie, ondermijning en subtiele beïnvloeding zijn moeilijk te bewijzen, maar des te voelbaarder voor een kind.
Wat dat doet met moeders, wordt vaak onderschat. Je bent vrij, maar nooit helemaal ontspannen. Je staat aan, ook als je probeert uit te rusten.
Schuldgevoel en machteloosheid
Bijna iedere vrouw die ik begeleid draagt schuldgevoel.
Had ik eerder moeten weggaan?
Heb ik mijn kind wel genoeg beschermd?
Die vragen komen niet voort uit falen, maar uit liefde. Je handelde altijd vanuit wat op dat moment mogelijk was. Met de kennis en kracht die je toen had. Achteraf kijken is makkelijk, maar zelden eerlijk.
Daarnaast zie ik veel machteloosheid. Vrouwen voelen haarfijn aan dat er iets niet klopt, maar hebben geen harde bewijzen. En dat maakt dat ze zich vaak niet serieus genomen voelen — door instanties, door hun omgeving en soms zelfs door zichzelf.
Drie dingen die ik vrouwen hierin altijd meegeef
Er bestaat geen simpele oplossing. Maar er zijn wel ankerpunten die helpen om niet jezelf te verliezen.
1. Richt je aandacht op wat je wél kunt beïnvloeden
Je kunt de narcistische ouder niet veranderen. Dat besef is pijnlijk, maar bevrijdend. Wat je wel kunt doen, is thuis een emotioneel veilige basis bieden.
Een plek waar:
- gevoelens benoemd mogen worden
- niets ‘goed’ of ‘fout’ hoeft te zijn
- je kind niet hoeft te kiezen
Je hoeft het verhaal van de andere ouder niet te ontkrachten. Je hoeft alleen beschikbaar te zijn voor wat er bij je kind leeft.
2. Neem je eigen ontregeling serieus
Veel vrouwen denken dat ze pas aandacht aan zichzelf mogen geven als hun kind ‘oké’ is. Maar een ontregelde moeder kan haar kind niet dragen zoals ze zou willen.
Zelfzorg is hier geen luxe, maar noodzaak. Dat betekent: steun zoeken bij mensen die deze dynamiek begrijpen, je eigen spanning leren herkennen en stoppen met jezelf veroordelen omdat je het zwaar vindt.
3. Erken dat dit een vorm van rouw is
Wat hier speelt, is rouw. Rouw om:
- het gezin dat je hoopte te hebben
- het ouderschap dat niet veilig samen kon
- het besef dat je je kind niet volledig kunt beschermen
Rouw hoeft niet opgelost te worden. Ze wil erkend worden. Pas dan ontstaat er ruimte om ermee te leven.
Tot slot
Loskomen van een narcistische relatie stopt niet altijd bij de breuk. Voor veel vrouwen begint het echte werk pas daarna — in het moederschap, in het dagelijks dragen van iets wat je niet kunt veranderen.
Dat maakt je niet zwak. Dat maakt je realistisch, liefdevol en ongelooflijk sterk.
En nu ben ik benieuwd: Wat vind jij het moeilijkste aan het feit dat jij eruit bent, maar je kind niet?
PRAAT MEE MET ANDERE Mama’s in de community
Kom in contact met (aanstaande) ouders, word lid van een geboorteclub en blijf op de hoogte van de ontwikkeling van je kind.
Weg met het taboe op aambeien: waarom je ze krijgt én hoe je er vanaf komt, volgens een expert
Shine-Up
Scheidingscoach
Ik coach vrouwen die los willen komen van een destructieve relatie met een narcist of intiem terreur. In mijn blogs deel ik anoniem herkenbare ervaringen uit mijn praktijk. Herkenning doorbreekt schaamte en opent de weg naar hulp. Als christen geloof ik dat elke vrouw mag helen en stralen zoals God haar bedoeld heeft.
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