mommy burnout

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Jasmina Borgeld: “De Mommy burnout”

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Ik ga moe naar bed. En ik word moe wakker.
Niet het soort moe dat verdwijnt na een kop koffie en een warme douche. Nee. Het soort moe dat al in je lijf zit voordat je überhaupt je ogen opent. Het soort moe waarbij je wekker eigenlijk overbodig is, omdat een kind dat in je oor fluistert: “Mamaaaa… ben je al wakker?” minstens zo effectief is.

Ik lig nog even stil. Niet omdat ik wil uitslapen, dat concept heb ik jaren geleden al begraven, maar omdat mijn lichaam simpelweg niet meteen meewerkt. Mijn hoofd wil wel. Mijn moederhart wil ook. Maar mijn lijf? Dat lijkt soms een eigen leven te leiden.
Welkom in mijn wereld. De wereld van chronisch ziek zijn én een ondernemende moeder zijn.
Een combinatie die je niet cadeau krijgt in een roze doosje met een strik eromheen.

Mijn suikers schieten alle kanten op. Mijn energieniveau hangt ergens rond -20. Mijn spiegelbeeld en ik hebben tegenwoordig een ingewikkelde relatie. Ik ben aangekomen. Niet een beetje “winterkilo’s aangekomen”, maar echt aangekomen, aangekomen. En ja, daar heb ik moeite mee. Want hoe positief ik ook probeer te blijven, soms voel ik me gewoon mezelf niet meer. Herken ik mezelf niet meer en voel ik het niet meer.

“De buitenwereld doet soms alsof moeders niet mogen klagen. Je hebt toch gezonde kinderen? Je hebt toch gekozen voor dit leven? Je moet niet zo negatief zijn!”

Ik ben ondernemer. Tenminste… dat was ik heel actief. Nu voel ik me soms meer een ondernemer in theorie. Mijn hoofd zit vol ideeën. Mijn hart zit vol ambitie. Maar mijn lichaam zegt: vandaag even niet.
Acquisitie? Netwerken? Nieuwe plannen uitwerken? Allemaal leuk en aardig, maar als je al moe bent voordat de dag begint, voelt zelfs een simpele mail sturen als topsport. De to-dolijstjes zijn niet aan te slepen, maar de focus is helemaal zoek.

En toch… toch ga ik door. Omdat ik moeder ben. Ik heb geen keuze. Ook al zou ik het liefste de hele dag in mijn bed blijven liggen en de deken eroverheen trekken… dat kan niet!

Moederschap is het mooiste wat mij ooit is overkomen. Echt waar. Mijn kinderen zijn mijn grootste geluk. Mijn trots. Mijn reden om te blijven vechten, ook op dagen dat ik eigenlijk gewoon onder die deken wil verdwijnen en nergens meer op wil reageren. Zij zijn mijn ‘why’, mijn alles, mijn leven.

Maar laten we eerlijk zijn: moederschap is ook gewoon pittig.
Niet Instagram-pittig. Niet “oeh wat druk maar gezellig” pittig. Maar echt pittig, pittig!

Nachten die te kort zijn. Dagen die te lang voelen. Een hoofd dat nooit uit staat.
Mijn kinderen slapen slecht. Soms moet ik het doen met een paar uurtjes slaap. En als ze wakker zijn… dan zijn ze ook meteen AAN. Vol energie. Vol vragen. Vol leven.
En ik? Ik strompel er soms achteraan met wallen tot aan mijn knieën.

Ik hoor mezelf dan toch vaak zeggen: “Het gaat goed hoor,” als iemand vraagt hoe het met me is.
Alsof dat het enige juiste antwoord is. Alsof er geen ruimte is om te zeggen: “Vandaag trek ik het even niet.”
De buitenwereld doet soms alsof moeders niet mogen klagen. Je hebt toch gezonde kinderen? Je hebt toch gekozen voor dit leven? Je moet niet zo negatief zijn!

Alsof vermoeidheid en dankbaarheid niet naast elkaar kunnen bestaan. Ik ben intens dankbaar. Elke dag. Maar ik ben ook doodmoe.
En dat maakt me geen slechte moeder. Dat maakt me een echte moeder.

Laatst zei ik tegen Farah dat ik wel eens een weekendje alleen weg wilde. Gewoon even nergens aan denken. Even niemand die “mamaaaa” roept terwijl ik net op de wc zit. Even slapen zonder onderbrekingen.
Ze keek me serieus aan en vroeg: “Wat ga je dan doen in je eentje?”
Ik zei: “Slapen. Misschien nog wat slapen. En daarna weer slapen.”
Ze moest lachen. Ik ook. Maar ergens was het helemaal niet zo grappig.

“Misschien moeten we stoppen met altijd sterk willen lijken. Misschien moeten we vaker tegen elkaar zeggen: ‘Ik ben moe.'”

Want hoe bizar is het dat het grootste verlangen van een moeder soms gewoon rust is?
Geen luxe. Geen dure spullen. Geen grote dromen. Gewoon rust.

En toch… als ik naar mijn kinderen kijk, weet ik weer waarom ik doorga. Waarom ik blijf lachen. Waarom ik mezelf telkens weer bij elkaar raap.
Moederschap is jezelf op de tweede plek zetten. Niet omdat iemand dat van je vraagt. Maar omdat je hart zo werkt. Omdat liefde je voortduwt, zelfs als je tank leeg is.

Ik ben mezelf een beetje kwijtgeraakt onderweg. Dat geef ik eerlijk toe. Maar misschien is dat ook onderdeel van het proces. Misschien moet je jezelf soms kwijtraken om later weer opnieuw te ontdekken wie je bent. Niet alleen als moeder. Maar als vrouw. Als ondernemer. Als mens. Ik vind mijn ware ik vast weer een keer terug.

Misschien moeten we stoppen met altijd sterk willen lijken. Misschien moeten we vaker tegen elkaar zeggen: “Ik ben moe.” Zonder dat daar meteen een oordeel op volgt van de moedermaffia.
Want achter elke moeder die zegt dat het “goed gaat”, zit soms een verhaal dat niemand ziet.

Dus als jij dit leest en denkt: ja… dit ben ik. Weet dan dat je niet alleen bent. Ik voel je. En met mij vele andere moeders. We zijn gewoon moe. Moe(der).
En toch…
zouden we het voor geen goud anders willen.

kind laten logeren
Lees ook

Jasmina Borgeld: “Waarom mijn kinderen niet uit logeren gaan”

Mijn naam is Jasmina. Na jaren vol teleurstellingen, tranen, hoop en vruchtbaarheidsproblemen werd ik eindelijk moeder. En geloof me: toen ik dat eerste kleine mensje in mijn armen hield, voelde het alsof ik de jackpot had gewonnen. Inmiddels heb ik er twee rondrennen, mijn eigen ondeugende bengels, en die zorgen ervoor dat het leven nooit saai is (lees: ik ben continu moe, maar ó zo gelukkig).

Ik ben content creator, chronisch ziek (astma en diabetes type 1) en verslaafd aan reizen. Juist omdat ik weet hoe kwetsbaar het leven kan zijn, leef ik met de dag en probeer ik zoveel mogelijk herinneringen te maken. Mijn doel? Elke schoolvakantie met de kinderen iets moois beleven… of dat nou in een jachthaven in Dubai is, of gewoon bij mijn zusje in de tuin aan de andere kant van het land.

Op mijn socials vind je geen picture-perfect plaatjes, maar eerlijke verhalen met een dikke knipoog en een flinke scheut humor. Want laten we eerlijk zijn: het moederschap is fantastisch, maar zonder humor zouden we het allemaal niet overleven. Wil je meer over mij weten? Volg me dan op Instagram.

Liefs,
Jasmina

Jasmina Borgeld

Columnist

Jasmina is moeder van twee bengels na jarenlang fertiliteitsproblemen, met diabetes type 1, astma en reuma als dagelijkse sidekicks. Ze denkt in mogelijkheden, niet in problemen en dat zie je terug in haar ondernemerschap én moederschap. Verslaafd aan reizen, maar zonder geldboom in de tuin, deelt ze op haar socials hoe je toch herinneringen maakt die blijven plakken. Op haar socials vind je eerlijke mommy content: rauw, herkenbaar en met een flinke scheut humor. Want eerlijk? Het leven is al zwaar genoeg.

Al mijn columns

accepteren is niet opgeven zorgouder
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ZorgintensLIEF: “Accepteren is niet opgeven”

waar niemand mij voor waarschuwde moederschap
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Jasmina Borgeld: “Waar niemand mij voor waarschuwde”

kind laten logeren
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Jasmina Borgeld: “Waarom mijn kinderen niet uit logeren gaan”

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