An Open Letter for PPD

Fuck. It happened. I know, You never thought that it would happen to you, but it happened. PostNatal Depression has univitinly wormed it’s way into our little world that is our baby bubble. The world known as bright blue skies and rainbows where you’re floating around on oxytocin clouds that rains pastel coloured confetti on every and any inconvenience that comes your way. Where you laugh and take selfies of your leaking breasts and use still your baby voice while cleaning up every poo explosion and projectile vomit.

Instead of landing safely and nestling onto the white fluffy clouds where can sit peacefully cuddling your newborn as the soft sunlight dances across their face, you’ve fallen straight through them, descending into a dark forest, ‘the upside down’, where the never ending sound of your babies cry blasts through old, rusty horn speakers. It’s cold, everything is in dark and ominous VSCO filter and you’re all alone. You don’t know how you ended up here and you don’t know how to get out.

Before you succumb to the darkness and fall even further into this bottomless pit of despair and where relenting negative & intrusive thoughts run amok on your psyche, remember this: It is imperative to understand that there are some biological explanations for what is making you feel this way.

To start, the cognitive impairment and dysfunction you’re experiencing is due to the tremendous biological and psychological changes your body experienced not only through the trauma of childbirth but the 9 months leading up to it. Even back during the first few weeks of pregnancy, the levels of oestrogen in your body rose dramatically. By the 6th week of pregnancy they were 3 times their peak level during a normal period! Remember that JRE podcast you listened to with Dr. Rhonda Patrick? She explained that Estrogen has been shown to increase the expression of a gene that codes for tryptophan hydroxylase 2 in the brain And from the tryptophan, produces serotonin. Roughly translated: during pregnancy you were producing a shit-tonne of serotonin - which is a very important chemical and neurotransmitter in your body, for instance, it regulates your mood and how you feel, and when you gave birth, your body stops producing all the extra serotonin.

Think of it this way - you're going through withdrawals. Remember in the movie Trainspotting - where Renton is going through his withdrawal phase? Suddenly it makes a little more sense now, doesn’t it? Fortunately for you, your cute 9 month serotonin addiction is going to be a million times easier and 2 million times more glamorous to overcome than it is to kick a heroin addiction.

And that’s not even the end of Serotonin's duties. Serotonin is also a precursor to melatonin, a hormone that helps regulate sleep. Add that into the mix with the fact that your circadian rhythm (your bodies natural, internal process that regulates your sleep-wake cycle) is completely out of whack due to all that sleep disruption that comes with night feedings, not to mention that you’ve probably spent at least 80%, who am I kidding, 90% of your newborn's life indoors, meaning you’re not getting nearly enough bright light exposure. When you’re circadian rhythm is on the fritz, this also directly affects your digestive system, organ function and most importantly - your hormone production! And to think of all those all nighters you used to pull - on purpose - AND going to work the next day! Madness.

There you have it, these are a few major biochemical explanations as to ‘why, oh why’ you’re feeling right now, and just based off the above, if you think about it, it’s really no wonder you’re feeling like this. We haven't taken your diet into consideration, how much water your drinking nor even added that there is another toddler in the equation! You’re in a dark place right now, I know, it sucks and it’s nothing like you’ve ever experienced before, but I can tell you this, it’s going to be ok. You’re gonna be ok… but you’ve gotta work for it. You’ve seen the plethora of ‘mom blogs’ out there who proclaim they (cringe) ‘keep it real’ and write about ‘honest motherhood’ when really they’re just repeating the same ‘I see you. I feel you. I am you’ message. The one thing these posts did have in common was the message that you are not alone. But let's be honest. You didn’t think you were the only one in the world experiencing this, right? No. So then how is knowing that other women out there are going through the same thing help you? It won’t. It doesn’t. So, infact yes, I’m sorry but you are very well infact completely alone & only you can pull yourself out of this PPD hole. Everyone that loves you and is supporting you are all waiting for you at the top - but the rope they have to help you only reaches down so far, so you have to put in the hard yards here and climb up to reach it.

It’s time to get your hands dirty and start climbing your way out of this hole.

Firstly, the main thing we need to do is get serotonin to your brain and one of the most effective ways to do so is through exercise. Roll your eyes back down out of your skull Judge Judy, I’m not talking anything strenuous like actually physically scaling a wall nor am I going to suggesting you go sign up to your local pilates classes, because well, why pay when you can do it for free from the comfort of your own house! Jump on youtube and start with searching for ‘stretches for the inflexible’. Even simply stretching is proven to reduce physiological and psychological stress on your body by increasing the blood flow and the release of natural endorphins via increasing oxygen to the body through deep breathing and relaxation.

When you can handle doing a 20 minute stretching video once or even twice a day, move onto something a little more physical. Search ‘Postpartum Workout for Beginners’. If the word workout has you curling back under the couch blanket then how about this: Remember back in your primary school days when you were *cough* sick *cough* and would stay home from school only to find there are no more cartoons after 9am and almost every channel had a 15 minute light-weight exercise program - ‘for old people’ you thought. Well, News Flash grandma, you are the ‘old people’ now and those programs are still on (only without the fluro yellow leg warmers, hot pink leotards and fresh out-of-the-salon perms). So do one of those.

If you’re at the stage of the depression where you’re convincing yourself that you don’t even have the energy to even do the TV work out, answer me this. When you need to go to the toilet can you get up and go to the toilet, or do you lay there and shit yourself? If you’re answer is ‘No, I can get up and go to the toilet’ THEN YOU HAVE THE ENERGY TO DO A 15 MINUTE WORKOUT. Do you lay awake scrolling through instagram when you’re babes are sleeping when you could also be sleeping? If you’re answer is yes, THEN YOU HAVE THE WILLPOWER TO DO A 15 MINUTE WORKOUT. Do you have the energy to go to the pantry to choose something (most likely unhealthy & in that case most definitely going to make you feel worse). If you’re answer is yes, THEN YOU HAVE THE ENERGY TO DO A 15 MINUTE WORKOUT. Do you see where I’m going with this?

I don’t have to go on and explain the benefits of exercise to you, I know ‘you know it all already, but what I will remind you of is that when you’re exercising you’re making endorphins. To roughly explain the word endorphin, it contains two parts; endo and orphin, short forms of the words endogenous and morphine – intended to mean “a morphine like substance originating from within the body’. The main function of endorphins is to inhibit the communication of pain signals (physical and mental pain receptors have been shown to be triggered in the same part of the brain.) This can result in a euphoric feeling, similar to that produced by opioids like morphine. Remember that epidural? Felt pretty incredible right? Well, I didn’t mean to get you excited but exercise won’t give you that same feeling, nothing other than the real deal will, oh and in saying that; stay the hell away from SSRIs (aka prescription pills). You know the facts already. Not only to some antidepressants take weeks for your body to find and adjust to the adequate dosage amount for your body, but what’s worse is you are more likely to become addicted to the pills themselves thus creating a whole new problem to deal with. Yes, I know how deliciously effective benzo’s are for taking off that inviting edge but medicating PPD or any kind of anxiety or depression for that matter is like putting a bandaid on a bulletwound. Look, if you’re having a really bad day, then blaze a joint or get some CBD oil in you.

So what have we learnt? Exercise = The Natural release of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. Get those to you brain and you will not only will you begin to feel better (even if it’s just a little bit) but your sleep quality will also begin to improve. With better sleep quality, you will begin to feel more like yourself again. Remember how you felt for the first time in 18months when you slept for a solid 6 straight hours? It was like someone had flipped a switch. You cleaned the kitchen - very thoroughly I’ll add, tidied up the house, did 2 loads of washing AND made a family meal plan for 2 weeks all in one day.

It may not feel like it now, but like some other setbacks you’ve had in this life, this PPD could also be an opportunity for personal growth. Remember the book, The Happiness Hypothesis you read? In chapter 7 Jonathan Haitd talks about what he calls ‘The adversity hypothesis’; in that people need adversity, setbacks, and perhaps even trauma to reach the highest levels of strength, fulfillment, and personal development. Perhaps this is one of those times. So give yourself time and try to entertain the thought of ‘what is this trying to teach me?’ Sure, it sounds absurd, what could awful thoughts and images of your babies dying in *insert one of the thousand scenario you’ve envisioned here* - possibly have to teach you?

Well off the top of my head, perhaps your subconscious is shining a light on some issues you need to deal with? In this instance, may it’s your incessant need to be in control of everything? Is that ringing any bells?

So the next time you’re laying on the couch watching a movie and out of nowhere you’re parazlized by intrusive thoughts, take 10 deep breaths and try to consider some far-fetched scenario that you absolutely cannot control just for perspective purposes. For example that it is more likely that our planet be affected by some uncontrollable cataclysmic event, say like getting hit by a meteor causing Earth’s next extinction - that is more likely to happen than you letting anything even remotely harmful happen to your baby.

And since we’ve already spent too much of our time overthinking and even visualising the most unthinkable situations - remember that if such an incident would occur at the end of the day it would be an extremely unfortunate accident, just like all the other extremely unfortunate accidents that happen to millions of people around the world, every second of every day.

Jonathan addresses in the book:

“None of us know what we are really capable of enduring. You might say to yourself, I would die if I lost X’ yet, these are just statements spun out of thin air. If you did lose X, your heart would not stop beating. You would respond to the world as you found it, and most of these responses would be automatic. People sometimes say they are numb or on autopilot after terrible loss or trauma. Consciousness is severely altered yet somehow the body keeps moving.”

Life will go on.

“One of the most common lessons people draw from bereavement or trauma is that they are much stronger than they realised and this new appreciation of their strength then gives them confidence to face future challenges. And they are not just confabulating a silver lining to wrap around a dark cloud; people who have suffered through battle, rape, concentration camps, or traumatic personal losses often seem to be inoculated against future stress: They recover more quickly, in part because they know they can cope. Religious leaders have often pointed to exactly this benefit of suffering. As Paul said in his Letter to the Romans (5:3-4): “Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.”

Beating this will contribute to the ongoing creation of the best version of yourself.

Now get up and move your body. Put on some tinted BB cream & mascara. Get yourself and the kids dressed and go outside for 30 minute walk and get your blood flowing. Raining outside? Then put on some music from your child-less club-rat days and dance until you’re out of breath. There’s science behind why music makes us feel good. Neuroscientists have found that music triggers the same parts of the brain where are pleasure receptors for when we have sex and eat food. When we listen to music, it floods our brains with good ol’ dopamine. So think about what happens when you combine Exercise + Music? Keep it up every day and you may very well experience a similar feeling as you did when you high on MDMA during night 2 at Rainbow Serpent Festival dancing to Vini Vici’s remix of Free Tibet. Ok, maybe not as euphoric but as close as you will get - given the circumstances of motherhood and all.

So, no more excuses. Make a solid effort to move your body enough so your heart rate is risen to at least over 100bpm+ for a good 30 minutes - every single day. You may only begin to feel a little better in the beginning, but I promise you that you will not feel any worse. If anything you have just taken your first steps in increasing your chances of achieving post traumatic growth. You owe it to yourself, your husband and your kids.